Think about some of the clichés that you as women have had to face over the years – or some of the ways people have expected you to behave. None of these are insults in themselves – they may even be intended as compliments – but they can suggest we're cartoon characters rather than fully rounded human beings.
If you say this to a gay person, without realising it you're measuring them against stereotypical characteristics or behaviour, for example the idea that all gay men are good at giving fashion advice, or like to go on shopping trips or spa days, or tell outrageously funny jokes over trendy cocktails. I consider it payback for all the times those strong independent-minded girls stuck up for me in the school playground! I love hearing that I've inspired straight women and made them feel freer!
One of the greatest privileges of being in a same-sex relationship is being able to set your own boundaries and not to feel obliged to behave in any way.Īnd one of the reasons female readers have told me they enjoy my books is because they find my stories of gay men battling against expectations and breaking free of conventions liberating – offering them permission to break out of the box too. Would any of these things make you less of a woman? Would they make you the 'man' in the relationship? Why you can't be the main breadwinner or rubbish at cooking or housework. Then ask yourself why you can't be more dominant or practical than your male partner. Think about what this question means and what it suggests about men and women and how they should behave. None of us should have to fit into a box of traditionally gendered behaviour and that includes straight women.
This is very reductive – and not just for gay people. Who's the man and who's the woman in the relationship? It's much better – and much more respectful – to see us as defined by who we love. As our sexuality puts us outside the mainstream (and, until recently, respectability), one of the reasons many straight women enjoy our company is they don't have to pretend to be a 'good girl' and can be much more expressive about their sexual desires without fear of being judged.īut try and appreciate that one of the reasons gay culture is so hyper-sexualised is because for years we were defined by what we did in bed. I've found that, in general, people can be over-familiar when it comes to talking to gay people about sex. How well do you know this person? Would you feel comfortable if they asked you about your sex life? When the question is directed at a gay man, it can often be a means of discovering which role they play in penetrative sex, if they're active or passive, or 'top' or 'bottom'.īut there are times when this kind of sexually explicit question can involve crossing a boundary. Use your imagination until you know a gay woman well enough to open up about your own sex life and create a context in which it's appropriate. Yes, two female sexual partners may not have a penis but there are plenty of other body parts that can be used to stimulate pleasure – not to mention sex aids. When this question is directed at lesbians, it suggests that without a man to penetrate them, the sex must be somehow lacking. Common pitfalls include being over-familiar, assuming all gay people are attracted to each other and not understanding the gay or lesbian experience, says Matt Cain